Now What?

My 21-year-old son moved back in a month ago.  We hadn't intended for it to be permanent, just bring him home for a weekend so we could talk to him about a new development in his life that we were concerned about.  When I picked him up, I was in the truck.  He had all of his stuff and I thought we'd move it into his new apartment.  (college housing, his lease in one apartment ended and he was supposed to move into a different one.)  He said his new apartment wasn't ready and he wanted to be completely moved out of the old one.  I was reluctant, but said OK.  Things didn't go well at home that week and I was ready to have him move back over and into his new apartment.  He didn't want to go.  I started loading the truck with his stuff.  He got angry and was ready to hurt me.  His dad stepped between us and calmed him down.  Because we already had an apartment arranged, (that we were paying for) I wanted him to go live there.  My husband told me privately that he thought our son was suicidal.  Big surprise.  He's been threatening suicide for years.

Next day, Sunday, I stay home from church because we're worried about him.  Husband has to go out to work for a while.  Big deadlines.  I decide it might be worth it to have son living at home if he can find a job.  I start looking for jobs online and he seems enthusiastic.  When husband calls home to check on things, I tell him things are going well, son seems to be in an upbeat mood, no need to worry.  Husband worries anyway.  Unbeknownst to me, son has researched online the amount of aspirin that will kill a guy his size.  He takes it while I am researching jobs for him.  Husband comes home, everything seems fine.  I leave to go up to church.  Husband goes outside to check on a few things.  When he comes in, there is an ambulance at our house.  Son has called 9-1-1.   He spends two days in hospital, acting all happy and bubbly and like life is a great party.

He comes home.  We sell his lease in Logan.  We begin more seriously to look for jobs.  He doesn't put much effort into it; though he seems to think he is trying as hard as he can.  Spends most of his time playing video games, watching movies and surfing the internet.  

This morning, he has followed me around for an hour monologuing about video games while I have cleaned the kitchen, tidied my bedroom and gotten the laundry under way.  The subject turns to religion.  I am sitting in my computer chair in the bedroom while he's sitting on the bed going on and on about how my God is puny and worthless and his is wonderful.  I say nothing and say nothing and say nothing, hoping he will finish, but knowing he will not.  I finally say something rude about his beliefs because, let's face it, I'm not mature enough to just keep turning the other cheek.  Infuriated, he picks up my cell phone off the bed and hurls it at me, striking me in the back of the head.  My head injury bleeds profusely and he is immediately contrite.  Does he feel bad for striking me? or just scared to death about what I will do about it?

Now I have a dilemma.  I have always said I would press charges if he struck me.  He never has before.  I don't want my son to go to jail.  But I don't want to continue having this abusive and controlling relationship in my home.

I feel like I've failed him as a mother.  But allowing him to treat me or anybody else like he does is failing him again.